Nicked from WACCOE but very funny!!!!

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Tuesday-7.00 am
Woke up early to get to Thorpe Arch to meet up with the rest of the squad and backroom staff. Really looking forward to this trip. I have watched 'The Vikings' starring Kirk Douglas six times since i knew we were going to Norway. I change out of my Leeds United goal keeping strip i wear as my jammy's for bed. The wife says i look silly but i think she secretly likes it...especially when i wear the gloves. My wife packs for me as i put on my new lucky blue suit. She gives me a kiss and says goodbye. I tell her that when i first came to the club there was only me, Kells and the dinner lady. She tells me to 'EFF OFF' but i think she is secretly impressed.
8.00 am-
Get to Thorpe Arch and go to my office to check my mail before we got on the Coach to the airport. There are three letters from agents offering me three new strikers and two hate letters from Sam Ellis. He is really bitter. Make a mental note to buy all three strikers.
9.00 am-
Join the team to get on the bus. I notice that Killa is having a laugh with Carver. Make mental note. Thats what Walton did last week. I get on the Bus to find that everybody has already paired up so i sit at the front with the driver. I tell him that when i first came to the club there was only me, Kells and the dinner lady. He tells me to shut up because he is driving. I think he is secretly impressed.
10.00 am-
Mister Bates rings me at th airport. He calls me a C#nt six times, tells me to 'EFF OFF' fifteen times and tells me i am not pulling my weight 'because if i were we would have won the Champions League by now'. I tell him that when i first came to the the club there was only me, Kells and the dinner lady. He tells me to change the 'EFFING' record but i can tell he is secretly impressed.
12.00-
All of the players are blind drunk by now so i sit at the front with Paul Dews who gives me a peck on he cheek and tells me how wonderful i am. I tell him that when i first came to the club there was only me, Kells and the dinner lady. He tells me he is impressed.
3.00-
First training session. Carver takes the training and tells the lads to pass to feet. I take over and explain that if anybody doesnt kick the ball above head height they have to do a hundred push-ups. That soon stops that passing malarky.
I notice Hulsey having a laugh with Carver. Make mental note to sell Hulse when we get back.
Evening-
We all have our dinner at the hotel. The lads keep themselves away from me. No doubt because of respect for the boss. I tell Carver about my tactics for the new season. He seems impressed with my four at the back and six strikers formation. I tell him that in modern football midfielders are now redundant. He will learn eventually. He has never been at a big club like this before. Before i go to bed i tell the porter that when i first came to the club there was only me, Kells and the dinner lady there.
He tries to tell me he doesnt speak english but i think he is secretly impressed.
11.00 pm-
I put on my new away goal keeping strip as my Jammy's. Its got 'Blackwell one' printed on the back and for a special treat i also put on my gloves. I cant wait for tomorrow. This is the best job in the wold.

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Day Two-
Get up fairly early and plan the training for the day- Start off running – rest - run some more - rest and finish off with some running.Then for a special treat we will go for another run. The lads will love it. Then we will try out a few set plays which will consist of Sulli punting it downfield for Hulsey to knock on for Stoney to pick up and then pass it back for Sulli. If only England had used these tactics in the World Cup we may have won something. Oh well….i cant do everything.

Go down to breakfast and sit next to Dewsy who has ordered for me and buttered all my toast for me as well. I notice him using his mobile. I ask him to get me some more toast and check his mobile while he has gone. He has texted Mr Bates to say he is keeping a detailed watch on me. He must be reporting to him on my ground-breaking training techniques….i like a Chairman who takes an interest.
Carver appears with a few of the players. He sits down with Stoney. Make a mental note to offload Steve Stone when we get back, I would never have bought him in the first place if I knew he was going to be permanently handicapped. Make another mental note to sack the scout who recommended him.

Morning training-
All the lads go through their paces. I ask the physio where Derry is. Apparently he has had is hair cut and was too light headed to make the trip. Make a mental note to make Derry wear a wig for the games when we start the season. We start off with the running as planned and there are quite a few faces I don’t know. Some ginger haired lad starts peeing all over the training pitch. Greges tells me he is foreign and it is considered good luck where he is from. Strange behaviour but I let it pass.
There are also quite a few Leeds fans watching the training. I go up to a passing local who is walking his dog and tell him that when I first joined the club there was only me, Kells and the dinner lady. He looks bewildered but I can tell he is impressed.

Afternoon training-
Carver takes over and has the lads play a practise game. He puts Aaron Lennon on the wing. I didn’t realise Aaron had come back and strangely enough he now speaks French. Oh well. Make a mental note to sell Lennon again when we get back. He never could kick the ball far enough anyway.
The game goes well but I change it around a bit and instead of playing defence versus attack we play defence versus defence. We play for two hours and it finishes nil-nil. Some ginger haired lad finishes the game by peeing in the corner of the net. Kells tries to explain it to me but I can never understand his broad Yorkshire accent. Make a mental note. I must learn Yorkshire.
I get a call from Fergie who offers me Millar back on loan for the season. I explain that although I don’t wish to tell him his business he should realise that I have no need for a midfield never mind a midfielder and he should get up to date on modern football techniques. I also tell him that when I first came to the club there was only me, Kells and the dinner lady. The line goes dead but I think he was impressed.
Training ends and the lads go in to Oslo with Carver for a spot of sight-seeing. Dewsy comes up to me and says how impressed he was with the training while gently squeezing my bottom.

Evening-
All the lads and Carver come back from Oslo and tell me they have been on a sight-seeing trip to the local brewery. They all seem a bit tipsy but apparently you have to go through a taste-testing session whilst on the tour. They decline my suggestion of a game of carpet bowls. Instead some ginger haired lad pulls out his penis and pees all over the hotel bar. Butt’s tells me the lad is Australian and they do this all the time down there. Something to do with Aboriginal custom or something so I leave the lads to get on with it. Strange behaviour but I want the lad to feel at home.
Mr Bates rings me and tells me he wants me to do a sixties night on his new Yorkshire radio but I have to do it in a Yorkshire accent. Mr Bates tells me he is turning the whole of the John Charles stand into a giant corporate box. I ask him how the fans are going to take this and he tells me that if they are real supporters they will pay the eight thousand pounds a season necessary. Mr Bates then calls me a c#nt four times and tells me to ‘f#cking eff off’ sixteen times. I wonder to myself if he suffers from tourrettes. Make a mental note to get Kells to teach me how to speak with a Yorkshire accent.
Go to bed with my goal keeping kit on and talk tactics with my wife on the phone until I fall asleep. Cant wait for tomorrow. This is the best job in the world.

Armleywhite · Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 4:35 pm Post subject:

PMSL at that when I saw it on waccoe. Very funny..

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Need a plasterer, live in the Leeds area? PM me

Woody · Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 11:23 pm Post subject:

Laffin

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Day Three-
Pretty tired this morning after being kept up half the night by noise from the bar downstairs. I don’t know who was making it all but I must complain to the management. How can they expect a top class group of professional athletes like Leeds united to sleep through all that I don’t know? Make a mental note to book La Manga next season.
Carver will take the training this morning because Dewsy has organised a press conference for me and there is a lot I want to say. We have the first game again tonight against some local team and I am pretty excited. I have had a hard-on since I woke up. Make a mental note to tell them that when I first started at the club there was only me, Kells and the dinner lady there.

Late for the press conference because somehow my room door had been glued shut during the night and it took three hours for the porter to open it. I have no idea who would do such a thing but luckily Carver is here to take my place and talk to the press on my behalf. I am sure he did a good job. I hope he mentioned the fact that when I first started the job there was only me, Kells and the dinner lady here. As I make my way to the conference room I pass Robbie Blake who is asleep on the sofa in the hotel lobby. He is snoring his head off and his arms and legs have been tied together and there is what looks like lipstick drawn all over his face. Make a mental note to talk to Carver about his morning training techniques.
I get there as most of the press has gone except for the representative from the Yorkshire Evening Post. Dewsy explains to me that this is the new Leeds united reporter now that he himself works for Leeds and not the YEP. Strange because I always thought Dewsy worked for Leeds united anyway. The new reporter tells me his name is Jimmy Olsen and Dewsy starts laughing. Not sure why but I get on with the conference anyway. I tell Mr Olsen that the training is going according to plan and that my new 4-0-6 formation will be looked on as revolutionary in the coming years and that soon all the top teams in Europe will be adopting it. I go on to further explain that not only will the entire midfield be redundant but we may soon get to a point where we no longer need goal keepers as there will be no more shots on target to contend with. Mr Olsen looks on in amazement and then I tell him that when I first started the job there was only me, Kells and the dinner lady at the club. I suspect he was secretly impressed. We finish the press conference and Mr Olsen leaves to write up his article for the YEP. Dewsy tells me he was impressed as he caresses my inner left thigh.

I receive a call on my mobile from Mike Newell, the manager of Luton town. My secret ambition is to be the manager of Luton Town one-day.
The bastid.
Newell starts going off on one about two players I apparently want to sign. A midfielder called Kevin something or other and a striker who goes about the name of Howard. I tell him its ridiculous as I intend to never buy another midfield player ever again and the thought of the comic Frankie Howard playing Championship football is the most insane thing I have ever heard.
We finish the conversation with me agreeing to meet up with Newell at the services outside Luton. This is where I will hand over a brown paper bag stuffed with fifty pound notes in it and he will then suggest to his board that he thinks it would be good idea to give Howard to Leeds on a free. Seems a bizarre way to conduct a transfer but Newell tells me its pretty normal.
Frankie may be no good as a footballer but he should give us a laugh on the long trips to away games.

Afternoon training-
We start off with some running for a change and then I split the lads up for a practise game into opposing teams. Unfortunately we have left the bibs back at the hotel so i line the teams up as white versus black. Make a mental note, buy more black players just in case we forget the bibs again. The teams look a bit un-even as its eleven versus one but I’m sure the young French lad will make a game of it. The game is based on my new formation and it goes quite well. We play for three hours and the score ends up 5-0 to the French lad. Unfortunately towards the end of the game there appeared to be a bit of a fracas between Butts and Healy. Healy was running past Butts when he said something to him. Butts then apparently called Healy ‘the son of a republican terrorist horse’ or something so Healy then butted butts in the butt. I missed the incident but luckily Blake had seen it because he had to miss the game because we couldn’t get his legs untied. I sent Healy to his room and told him to stay there until suppertime. Kells tries to stick up for Healy but I can’t understand his Yorkshire accent. Make a mental note; I must learn to speak the native language when we get back to Leeds.

Tea time-
After the pre-match meal I organise a game of Bingo for the lads to relax them. The first pre-season game is always a bit tense and the lads can get quite excited. I still have a hard-on. I let Healy come back down and join in with the rest of the squad as Blake tells me he has been sobbing all afternoon. He wants to sit up front with Hulsey but I make him sit on the left. I am not having any of my players telling me what position they should sit in. He sulks a bit but comes round when I threaten to send him back to Preston. That would put the fear of god up anyone no doubt. The Bingo goes quite well until young Frazer Richardson mentions the ‘C’ word. I told all the squad not to talk about Cardiff before we set off on the trip. Hulsey starts to cry and starts shouting at Sulli for not kicking the ball far enough to him in the final. I manage to calm things down by playing a teletubbies dvd on the tv. The things a football manager has to go through these days is unbelievable.

The Bingo ends when I pack everybody off to their rooms to get ready for the game. Dewsy asks me if I want to go back to his room for a drink but I tell him I have to get ready for the match. Not sure why he didn’t just suggest a drink in the bar but nevermind.
Mr Bates rings me on my mobile and after calling me a ‘s#dding c#nt m#thaf#cking b#astard and one of the most worthless pieces of w#nking b#astard c#unt faced t#ssers i have ever met’ five times he asks me how the team is going to be set out for tonights game. I tell him my 4-0-6 formation and the line goes dead. I can tell he is impressed.
I then go to my room and put on my new lucky blue suit.
I still have a hard-on
I can’t wait for tonight.
This is the best job in the world.

Last part tomorrow

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Day Four-
The game went pretty much according to my plans. The Norwegian lads were up for it and a few of them tried to impress me with their football skills. Unfortunately for them they tried to pass it too much and not one of them could hoof it downfield as good as my lads. I had a word with their coach after the match and told him he needed to work on that aspect of their game. I told him that there was no place for accurate passing to feet on the modern football field. He looked a bit bemused but I think he was secretly impressed. One or two of my lads looked good although I think I prefer Blakie with lipstick on. Make a mental note; get Robbie some Chanel no7 lippy off the wife for him to wear during matches. It’s the attention to detail that makes a good manager. Had to have a word with Bakke though. I think he fancied himself as a bit of local and kept trying to talk to the Norwegians in their own lingo. He made a right fool of himself.
Carver kept getting up and tried to shout louder than me but I soon put paid to that when I got the microphone off the PA system and used that to shout out my tactics. A few of the trialists did ok but I wish that ginger haired lad would stop pissing all over the place. I know its maybe a custom where he comes from but it doesn’t half slow the game down. Anyway, there was four more goals in the game then I would have liked but it wasn’t a bad start to the tour.

Morning-
I give the lads the morning off to relax after last nights game. Some of them have got a niggle or two but nothing serious. Dewsy organises another press conference with Jimmy Olsen from the YEP for me and I just talk through the game. The lad seems nice but he knows absolutely nothing about football. He asked me if I studied the Italian form of Catanacio ! I mean, what the life of a fifteenth century Baroque artist from Milan has to do with football is anyone’s guess. The conference ends and Mr Olsen leaves. Dewsy tells me how magnificent he thought the lads played and was very impressed with my tactics. I tried to get away but he just kept holding on to my hand muttering something about ball exercises. Carver appears to talk about the afternoon training so that gives me a excuse to get away. Dewsy is ok but he can be a bit over the top sometimes.
Carver wants to give the lads some gentle exercises and some light ball work but I tell him that he has to take them on a ten mile run and then I want to see them practise their down field kicks for two hours. Anybody who fails to kick the ball over twenty feet has to go for another ten mile run.
He goes away to organise it muttering something to himself. I tried to get Carlisle united to take him on as manager but he decided to stay here. I don’t know why he wants to be a number two all his life because I am going to stay at this club forever.
I get a call from Colin and he asks me about about Killa. I tell him that he is not for sale for any price even though he offers me two million for the kid. Colin then asks me if I would be interested in a swap deal with Killa for his striker Geoff Horsfield. This sounds more like it so I tell him I will have a think about it. Killa is a good lad but he looks like a girl and I cant understand a word he says. I wish they would talk English in Yorkshire. It’s like being in another country sometimes.
Later on I have to go and do an interview for BBC radio Leeds with Adam Pope. He really does my head in. The guy just keeps laughing all the time like a demented hyena. These football pundits get on my nerves. I mean what do people like Popey and Eddie Grey know about managing a world famous football club like Leeds united. If Eddie had been so good he would have played for England wouldn’t he?
Popey starts off by asking me about last night’s game. I tell him I thought it was a good start and there was a lot to build on. He then asks me if I was getting worried about the lack of goals from open play so I told him that football wasn’t about scoring goals but getting eleven players out on the pitch to carry out the plans and tactics of the football manager. And apart from the four goals going into the net I thought that the lads had accomplished what I set them out to do.
He then asks me what I thought about the price of tickets going up again at Elland road. Why oh why do people keep asking me about this I don’t know. It’s all about pressure in life. So I tell him that when we got relegated that was pressure. The club was one hour away from going into liquidation and we had players like Mark Viduka, Harry Kewell and Alan Smith who just didn’t know where their next meal was coming from. Now that’s pressure. And choices as well. It’s all about choices. I mean Mr Bates has to come from his millionaire tax haven in a private jet and stay at a five star hotel in Leeds everytime we have a home game. And just because some poor guy complains that he has to now choose between buying a season ticket or maybe paying for the families annual holiday or new clothes for the kids or something its our fault. Well that’s just plain ridiculous.
Popey starts laughing again so I bring the interview to a close. He really does get on my nerves.

Afternoon-
Carver takes the lads for a run and I can see they really enjoyed it. We’ve got some young lad with us who I don’t recognise. I think he must be one of those Gangsta rap artists who Killa keeps going on about. He has a big tattoo on his neck and everything. I don’t quite know why he is here with us but I think I will keep away from him. He looks like real trouble.

Evening-
I let the lads go into town for the night. I don’t mind giving them the odd night out during pre-season for bonding. Killa’s dressed up like a right poof. He is going to be in for a nasty shock if he goes out in Sheffield dressed like that I can tell you.
I go to my room to relax.
I still have not taken off my new lucky blue suit from the night before and I still have a hard-on.
My mobile rings and its Mr. Bates. He sounds sombre.
‘Seriously now Kevin’ he says. It must be serious when he calls me Kevin.
‘You have got ten f#cking games or your out.’
Then the line goes dead.
I look into the mirror and my face is grey. My penis goes flaccid as all the blood drains back into my legs and my skin takes on a callow, sticky complexion.
I love this football club. I want to succeed. I want to be a winner.
I put on my goalkeeper strip and get into bed. For comfort I put on the gloves as well.
I can’t wait for tomorrow.
This is the best job in the world.

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