Some old so not so all or most funny

Woody

Q) What is the difference between a hedgehog and Old Trafford........
A) On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside !!

Q) What is the difference between David Beckham and God?
A) God doesn't think he is David Beckham.

Q: How many Manchester Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "1997 lightbulb changing"
commemorative T-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to
Torquay.

Q: Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Old Trafford?
A: It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and Man United?
A: OJ Simpson had some sort of a defence!

Q: How does David Beckham change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you confuse a Manchester United fan?
A: Show him a map of Manchester.

Q: How do you kill a Man Utd fan when he's drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head!

Q: How do you stop a Man Utd fan from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: How do you stop a Man Utd fan from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he falls in

Q: What do you do if David Beckham throws a pin at you?
A: Run for your life... he's got a grenade in his mouth.

Q. What is the difference between an aeroplane kit and David Beckham?
A.One is a glueless kit, the other is a clueless git.

Fergie was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping.
He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?"
to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess,
don't ask me to sort it out!"

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd. were all in Saudi Arabia,
sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of
a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for
the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were
sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very
good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to
life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released
after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for
their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday
today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your
whipping."

The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought
about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back." This
was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with
pain when the punishment was done.

The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after
watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please
fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes
before the whip went through again.

The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but
before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are
from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and
most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Liverpool fan
replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me
not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave. "The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it
to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Please tie the Man Utd. fan to my back."

Alex Ferguson At The Pearly Gates (You've got to admit it's a good start) After Alex Ferguson dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour of heaven. He shows Alex a little two-bedroom house with a faded Man United banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Alex. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says, "so count yourself lucky." Alex looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge three-storey mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Irish tricolor flags line both sides of the long drive and a huge yellow, blue and white striped banner hangs between the marble columns, and a Leeds United scarf clearly visible in the window of one of the upstairs bedrooms in the west wing. "Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. How come I get this scutty little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and David O'Leary gets a big bloody mansion with fancy Leeds banners and flags flying all over the place?" God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That's not David's house," God says. "That's mine."

Posh and Becks have come back from holiday when they are stopped by a journalist. Journalist: David, where did you stay for your holiday? Beckham: Erm...I can't remember, name me a few London stations J: Paddington? B: No, keep going J: Kings Cross? B: No, try again J: Euston? B: Hmm... No J: Victoria? B: Yeah thats it! Victoria, where did we stay this year?

DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Beck's. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," says David. "And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane. "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.

POSH takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The garage man, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her. "You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place." So she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts: "You daft girl! You have to wind the windows up first!"

DAVID Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily. Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days." "Is that good?" asks Posh. "You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."

POSH and Beck's are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy road below. Posh turns to Beck's and says: "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!" To which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump." "No, babe," says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

David Beckham buys two horses but he can't tell them apart. So he asks Sir Alex Ferguson what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So he does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So he can't tell them apart again. He asks Alex for advice a second time. He tells him to cut one of the horse’s ears. So he does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. He is still confused. He asks Alex what to do. He tells him to measure them. Beckham comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

David Beckham wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best tracksuit, ready for another hard day's work at being an over privileged little creep.
Catching sight of himself in the mirror, he thinks, "By God, Dave, you're looking good this morning."

He admires the fine cut of his outfit and flexes his biceps. "Feeling good, too," he notes proudly at the firm swell of muscle underneath the kit he's wearing. He enters the kitchen and Posh, his bird, hands him a bowl of corn flakes.
"You're looking fit this morning, Dave," she says.

"To be sure," he replied appreciatively. "I feel good as well."

"But, Dave, you're not smelling so good, mind," comments his beloved.

Dave takes a sniff. "You're right there," he says worriedly, "I am smelling a bit rough."

He eats his cereal, downs his cup of coffee and sets off for Old Trafford.

"Good morning to you, sweetie," he grins at Alex Ferguson.

"It's a fine morning, Dave," says Alex, "and you're looking really good."

"Why, thank you. I look good and I feel pretty good as well," says Dave, flexing both arms for his benefit.

"But, Dave," winces Alex in

, "you smell awful."

More than a bit worried now, Dave visits his doctor.

"Doc, I've got a problem. I look good, I feel great, but I smell awful," says Dave.

The doctor reaches for his medical dictionary. "You look good ," he scans down the page, "you feel great ...but but smell awful. Hmmm yes! Well, it's all quite simple, Dave, all that's wrong with you is that you're a terminal Sh*t!

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